At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
