I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
