I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize