My liver just broke up with me...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
