Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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