how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
