I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We named our party play list daddy issues
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
