i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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