so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
