You're my little dorito
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
