i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
