The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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