Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
