get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize