I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
