What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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