Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
