the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
