my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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