I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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