I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
