Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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