Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
