she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
