omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
