i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think I just sharted jello shots
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