the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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