I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
