I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
