Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
