You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
