so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
