you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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