census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
