Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
