i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I could make wine with my vomit
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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