I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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