Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
