If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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