So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
