Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
