Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize