i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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