I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
