got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
