I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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