..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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