thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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