We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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