Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
