OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
