I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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