woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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