I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
