all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am midnight drunk by noon
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
