My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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