tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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