Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
