6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My hand turned me down
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
