She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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